Today has been yet another substantial day...and some. I woke up and did my do, and before I went for my run I had the most enlightening and shifting conversation with my beloved soul brother Nash Thoars. We were talking about this and that but ultimately we were discussing the ongoing issue, that is with my dead partner and specifically his interesting interlude that happened to me in Australia. You see, nearly 3 years ago the most incredible thing happened, my partner died, he choked to death at the age of 46. He had been drinking the night before and got up in the middle of the night and went to the fridge and found some leftovers and forgot to chew.
You see, although this was the most unforgettable phone call that I had ever received, it was not the most surprising. Dear Douglas was quite the eclectic, eccentric, artistic, talented soul, he had lived an extraordinary life, because he knew he had to, the problem was he believed that he would die young, not quite as young as he did but was convinced none the less. He told me too many times about the scene; alone, in a room, a chair in the corner and no one to say goodbye to. And guess what, that is Exactly what happened, yet there is more.
Two days before his death was his birthday, I spoke to him and he was rather upset, he was unable to see me or his daughters, we had a lengthy conversation about such and I was trying to reframe it for him. He was having no bar of it, the very last thing he ever said to me was, 'I wish I was dead', I replied; 'be careful what you wish for', then the phone cut off.
This I guess was the catalyst for my belief system 'getting', the whole teaching of 'thoughts create things' and how the universe does conspire to make your wishes come true no matter what the are.
The first six months after his death were horrendous, silently hiding out and trying to manage it all was my way, but fortunately I had my two children to keep me sane. And not to neglect the series of events that followed, God was certainly looking out for me.
Anyway, the point of all this is this................today, I had a conversation that made the most sense to me that anything ever has. And the premise of it all is Non-separation!
The stunning Nash gave me clear clarity that we are way beyond the cliche of 'we are all one' but we are and some.
To decipher what I am saying is simply this, all our experiences are a mere reflection of what's going on within and we can choose to get lost in it or we can choose to see it for what it really is and that is an extension of our everything.
Douglas and I were an incredible time in my life that I have never managed to move beyond for fear of losing it and now knowing that I have zero separation from anything and everything it takes on a whole new level of awareness.
In the last 18 months I have had the opportunity three times to enter a relationship but have, what seems now self-sabotaged it and not been able to indulge in a new foundedness.
But I can be free, yet complete and total and some. I am all, I am nothing, I am beyond everything. The expansiveness is way beyond comprehension yet simplistically, once again, none of it freakin matters. I can access every moment and everything instantly and still stay remained in this pure moment without losing anything.
It used to do my head in about every couple of months trying to deal with this enormity but now finally I get it. There is no separateness but continual expansiveness and for that I am way beyond grateful.
Finally, this chapter of my life makes sense.
Terima Kasih Tuhan. (Thankyou God).