Sunday, 22 July 2012

Wednesday.... The day my heart stopped!!!

Wednesday 18 July 2012, I woke feeling great in my home in Sanur, Bali after a long deep sleep, planning a quiet day.  The only thing I planned to do was go to the Supermarket. 

Two days prior I had started a 21 day Green Juice/food diet/fast and I needed lots fresh fruit and vegetables.  I planned this 21 days on the return from Java after my Spiritual Master Ceremony.  I wanted to create clarity and condition within myself to integrate everything as well as do all the things that were needed to be done before the coming months of many NikStarr retreats.  I made a commitment to me to use this time for the highest good.

What happened instead of a quiet day, made my heart stop, literally, my stomach drop twice and my eyes leak.

Here is the actual transcript of a conversation I had with one of my closest friends that explains it.

Sooooooo, I was cruizing along integrating Spiritual Master land, speaking my truth and telling people that I didn't want to drink with them or play with them, honoring my needs at the time in my life and spending time with me, doing ceremony and purely in the divine flow.......RIGHT.
Sic.............and THEN.
I get this almighty pull, screaming in my head, some shit, body moving without intent. MUST GO SEE JERO. (Jero is my Balinese Mangku, head of my Spiritual family)
Ok, so off I went, didn't have much choice in the matter anyway. I finish at the supermarket, taking funny photos of tiny chicken hearts and skinned frogs and sending to Harley (my son) on fb on my phone and head to the Yayasan.
Jero not there. He at the hospital. Seeing Polet's niece or someone in the family, couldn't quite work out who at the time.
Ahhh, ok I thought, well I gonna go cause I got meat on my bike and will come back. Nooooo don't do that, Gusdek says.

Hhhhmmm, funny boys.
Jero drives into Yayasan, comes straight to me, looks me in the eyes and says, Good. I'm guessing that meant, good at getting my telepathic message. He then head locks me, in a nice kinda way and drags me upstairs.
Yells politely at Gusdek to get the computer.
Opens Google Translate and starts smashing away at the keys.
So I put my bag down on a chair,  walk over and slip down next to him on the couch.
Start reading the translation.

This is what he had written....

I've had a vision.
I'm going to die.


(This is where heart stops, stomach drops, body goes into shock).

Meanwhile hes smashed out three other paragraphs while I read this first line.
My stomach drops further, I look at him, I then look at Rosi, his eyes are popping out of his head as he races around looking like the stunnedest mullet I have ever seen. I look at Polet who looks like he has been awake for a month and crying for a week. I look at Gusdek, he looks like he just run over his whole family with a Mack Truck.

Jero pushes me and says, READ.
I do as I’m told, and he is going on about how now I'm a master he gives me unlimited freedom to do all this stuff, he gave me very strict instructions of what I had to do, what I had to be and a zillion other things, he then went on about life and death and death and life and how I have to always be prepared for death as it’s just a change not a death and I was just sitting there and my body was going nuts.... I'm like I get all this shit and I know about Gods plan and I know about freakin tests but HOLY FUCKEN SHIT......What if Jero dies tomorrow. Like he looks like he’s convinced and everyone else are kinda just keeping it together here.

And so I write, let me get this straight.
You really think you are going to die, kaput, tomorrow, dead out of your human body.
He says, I don't know, I'm not god.
All I know is what I saw and so I'm doing what I have to do.

My Friend says:
I feel like I'm going to vomit

I say:
you can feel how I was feeling
it was the most fucking amazing thing I have simply sat with
and he was like look, blah blah blah blah blah, cause I 'm gonna be dead soon.
And I'm like ok, well I don’t really understand. He said you need to go to Sanur now and write this stuff for me, he was very specific about it.
and to not question, just go with it all and do it.
I then felt like a human and the thought of losing the one soul that saved my life was rather overwhelming.
We talked a little more then he said, thankyou thankyou thankyou and hugged me really tight and told me how much he loved me and sent me on my way.
As you can imagine the ride home was a little intense.
Fortunately shock set in and I was just riding with my mouth open on auto.

My friend says:
fuck me Nik.....

I Say:
I know right.
I will go to the end and then send you the documentation of the in between bits so you can see the resolution. ok.

My friend says:
yeah ok.....i'm in a bit of a daze at the mo

I say:
So last night (the day of the death) we were called to meet at the Yayasan to discuss the death.
I found out that Master Untung (Grand Master of MLB from Java) had the same vision about HIMSELF at the same time as Jero did.
Now things were getting 'mysterious' as Jero said.

And when he was about to Broadcast this on Blackberry MLB group my writings came in to his computer.
He read them.
then thought this is more of the 'mystery'
So backing up a bit, when I got home, I connected with God and then with Jeros 'Pure Creative Spirit' (as I had learnt from William Whiteclouds new book, The Last Shaman) and asked them what this meant, I got no clear answer other than, all will be revealed.
I went through so much then in the writing.
I sent it, and I sent two more musings as they came about, that night I was in a state of surrendering to Gods divine plan and was in a state of Pure Love and allowing.
So that night I did a ceremony, a little on this as well as dissolving the ego, went to sleep and woke in a good state the next day, with anticipation but ok.
So then I went thru the day keeping my spirits high, I drove to the Yayasan and almost vomited on the way, then asked God to raise my energy and then my body was so full of energy I thought I was almost gonna levitate, I could feel you, Nash and Rok with me.
So then I asked for that to neutralize etc.
By the end there were 18 of us there, some had come from 2 hrs one knew what was going to happen but had all done their own processing and were in a state of trust and support.
Jero then took us in to the big room and sat us in a circle turned off the lights and did a guided meditation, I connected with him and God and asked my soul to understand the Indonesian words.
I got clear messages that this was a full spiritual death for all of us, that the death of those aspects that no longer served us had to actually die for us to take on the new higher vibrations to be able to fly in the new energy.
This is what pretty much was the outcome of all the writings that I wrote to Jero. So we all went through our own deaths in that room last night and then he spoke to us for 2 hrs without a word spoken, all not missing a syllable and hanging on his every word.
The journey to that moment was a drawing of every part of every cell to process it all and come to that state of Pure Love within me.
So that is the basic story of why I asked you to send me energy last night.

My friend says:
Epic doesn't really touch it

I say:
I know. Need to find a new word me thinks.

And this is what I wrote after it to him after an hour or two from sending the first writings on Wednesday.

What came after................ ♥

I've thought more about this.
I am wondering if this is the biggest test in the world.
If God is waiting to see how YOU respond.

Following some of the principles that you teach.
Like from 'The Secret', 'Thoughts create things'.
What you focus on, becomes your reality.

How you chose to respond?
What inspiration you get from a vision.
Being the creator of your own life.

Is God testing you?
Surrendering to the process.
How big is your power?

Interesting questions coming to my mind.
What is your souls purporse?

I anticipate the outcome with an open heart, an open mind and pure love.


I think I have processed this some more.

I am now in a place of love.

Allowing and surrender.

What ever god has in store for us all, will be perfect.

Smiling again.


Wow, life is interesting.


And he said, Isn't it just.

My friends said:
I feel like a jet plane has just run over me and at the same time my heart is so swollen it might just burst thru my throat is eyes are glazed....i'm in a daze.....gonna have to go thru this all again tonight......

I wrote:
and that’s the condensed version hon.

This is the writing that I wrote to Jero as per his instructions.

Dear Jero,
“Patience - the gift of being able to see past the emotion. ”
Aku bahkan tidak tahu di mana untuk memulai.
Saya hanya akan menulis dan melihat apa yang terjadi.
I don’t even know where to begin.
I will just write and see what happens.

Seperti segala sesuatu dalam hidup, sekarang adalah ujian. Dari Tuhan.
Jika Anda meninggal, maka itu adalah nasib Anda. Jika Anda tidak, itu adalah nasib Anda.
Semuanya akan menjadi cara itu dimaksudkan untuk menjadi.
Like everything in life, now is a test.  From God.
If you die, then that is your destiny.  If you don’t, that is your destiny.
Everything will be the way it’s meant to be.

Setelah shock berbicara kepada Anda hari ini, saya telah berbicara dengan Tuhan dan bermeditasi. Saya memahami bahwa tidak ada pemahaman saat ini. Yang bisa saya lakukan adalah BE Nicole terbaik yang saya dapat.
After the shock of talking to you today, I have talked to God and meditated.  I understand that there is no understanding in this moment.  All I can do is BE the best Nicole that I can be.

Ada begitu banyak hal untuk dikatakan. Saya tidak tahu apakah harus mulai dari awal dan pergi melalui mereka atau mulai pada akhir dan bekerja mundur.
There are so many things to say.  I don’t know whether to start at the beginning and go through them or start at the end and work backwards.

Saya rasa saya akan mulai dengan ANDA. Saya bertemu Anda dan saya tertarik tapi hati-hati. Saya tidak pernah menghabiskan waktu di sebuah negara Asia sebelumnya. Semakin banyak waktu saya dihabiskan di Kajeng Kliwon dan bersama keluarga semakin aku tahu bahwa aku ada di rumah. Itu semua jiwaku merindukan ada di sini. Dan dalam merasakan cinta itu, aku bisa mencintai diriku sendiri. Dan tidak perlu lagi cinta dari apa pun, makhluk luar tempat atau dewa. Hubungan saya dengan Tuhan menjadi sangat kuat. Pembelajaran sulit di kali. Segala sesuatu yang jiwaku mampu mengatasi.
I think I will start with YOU.  I meet you and I was intrigued but cautious.  I had never spent any time in an Asian country before.    The more time I spent at Kajeng Kliwon and with the family the more I knew that I was home.  That all my soul yearned for was here.  And in feeling that love, I was able to love myself.  And not need love anymore from any external places, beings or deities.   My relationship with God became very strong.  The learning was hard at times.  Everything that my soul was able to cope with.

Saya telah berjuang dengan tempat saya di dunia sepanjang hidup saya. Untuk pertama kalinya saya merasa lengkap. Dalam diri saya.
I had struggled with my place in the world all my life.  For the first time ever I felt complete.  Within me. 

Sehari setelah hari Natal ketika saya datang kepada Yayasan, saya menangis. Kami berbicara. Kemudian kami pergi ke Singaraja.
The day after Christmas day when I came to the Yayasan, I was crying.  We talked.  Then we went to Singaraja.

Saya katakan tentang pasangan saya yang telah meninggal dan bagaimana dia datang menemui saya. Bagaimana saya meninggalkan tubuh saya. Bagaimana saya berpikir tentang bunuh diri berkali-kali dalam hidup saya. Ada hal-hal lain yang saya katakan hari itu juga.
I told you about my partner that had died and how he had come to see me.  How I had left my body.  How I had thought about suicide many times in my life.  There were other things I told you that day too.

Satu hal yang mengubah segalanya bagi saya. Apakah ketika Anda mengatakan kepada saya bahwa hidup adalah hadiah dari Tuhan. Tujuan hidup saya adalah untuk bersyukur kepada Tuhan untuk memberikan saya kehidupan ini. Untuk menjadi orang yang terbaik dalam hidup ini bahwa saya bisa. Memiliki integritas, memiliki kekuatan, untuk bersinar jiwaku, terbang setinggi aku bisa dengan sayap Tuhan memberi saya.
The one thing that changed everything for me.  Was when you told me that life was a gift from God.  The purpose of my life was to be grateful to God for giving me this life.  To be the best person in this life that I could be.  To have integrity, to have strength, to shine my soul, to fly as high as I could with the wings God gave me.

Ketika Anda mengatakan kepada saya, SEMUANYA berubah. Aku mengerti. Aku melepaskan pikiran bunuh diri saya. Aku melepaskan kesedihan saya. Aku melepaskan kebingungan saya dan saya MEMILIH untuk menjadi Nicole terbaik dalam hidup ini bahwa Tuhan memberi saya.
When you told me this, EVERYTHING changed.  I understood.  I let go of my suicide thoughts.  I let go of my sadness.  I let go of my confusion and I CHOSE to be the best Nicole in this life that God gave me.

Hari itu Anda menyelamatkan hidup saya. Anda menyelamatkan hidup saya. Saya menyelamatkan hidup saya. Saya memilih untuk mendengarkan Anda. Saya percaya Tuhan. Saya percaya pada AKU.
That day you saved my life.  You saved my life.  I saved my life.  I chose to listen to you.  I believed in God.  I believed in ME.

Kami pergi ke Singaraja. Kami berbicara tentang masa depan. Aku pergi ke Jero Paseks rumah dan banyak berpikir tentang semua hal yang Anda katakan. Aku membiarkan tubuhku mengintegrasikan mereka. Saya kembali ke Denpasar dengan pemahaman baru.
We drove to Singaraja.  We talked about the future.  I went to Jero Paseks house and thought a lot about all the things you said.  I let my body integrate them.  I came back to Denpasar with a whole new understanding.

Saya memilih kehidupan. Saya memilih saya. Saya memilih untuk melayani. Saya memilih untuk berkomitmen hidup ini.
I chose life.  I chose me.  I chose to serve.  I chose to commit to this life.

Pada bulan Januari, Robby mengatakan kepada saya kami mulai jalan kepada Guru. Aku memeluk kata-kata itu secara terhormat. Aku tahu aku bisa melakukan itu. Saya sedikit tidak yakin bagaimana, aku sedikit takut, saya bersedia mencoba.
In January, Robby told me we were starting the path to Master.  I embraced those words with honor.  I knew I could do that.  I was a little unsure how, I was a little scared, I was willing to try.

Hari di Bongkasa, keris. Ketika orang-orang itu datang pada saya, saya tidak peduli jika saya meninggal, saya masih tidak peduli jika aku mati. Saya siap untuk mati saya beberapa tahun lalu. Jadi saya menyerah kepada proses. Ini memenuhi saya dengan kekuasaan, rasa percaya diri dan mengetahui bahwa saya bisa melakukan ini.
The day in Bongkasa, the Kris.  (click on the Kris to see what that was all about). When the men were coming at me, I didn’t care if I died, I still don’t care if I die.  I prepared for my death many years ago.  So I surrendered to the process.  It filled me with power, confidence and a knowing that I could do this.

Untuk menjadi master. Untuk melakukan hal-hal yang saya dilahirkan untuk melakukannya. Untuk menjadi hamba kepada masyarakat. Menjadi hamba utama untuk Tuhan
To be a master.  To do the things that I was born to do.  To be a servant to the people.  To be the ultimate servant to God.

Tes dengan Tim. Apakah tes yang sangat baik. Saya belajar banyak. Aku memberikan terima kasih kepada Tim setiap hari untuk semua ajaran saya pergi begitu cepat. Cinta, rasa syukur, memahami proses, memahami tes, menghapus ego, kasih sayang dan integritas.
The test with Tim.  Was a very good test.  I learnt so much.  I give gratitude to Tim every day for all the teachings I go so quickly.  Love, gratitude, understanding the process, understanding the test, removing the ego, compassion and integrity.

Ada banyak lapisan jiwa saya bahwa saya bekerja pada selama bulan-bulan sebelum kami pergi ke Jawa. Saya bekerja sangat keras pada semua pola lama yang tidak melayani jiwa saya, atau tujuan saya. Saya berkomitmen dan memiliki disiplin karena aku tahu apa artinya menjadi master. Untuk memimpin rakyat, mencintai rakyat, menjadi contoh. Untuk mengatakan Ya. Selalu.
There were many layers of my soul that I worked on during the months before we went to Java.  I worked really hard on all the old patterns that didn’t serve my soul, or my purpose.  I committed and had discipline because I knew what it meant to be a master.  To lead the people, to love the people, to be the example.  To say Yes. Always.

Selama Perjalanan Spiritual saya belajar yang paling. Saya punya sekelompok orang menatapku. Saya adalah pemimpin mereka dan saya harus bersinar bagi mereka. Dan saya lakukan. Aku terkejut sendiri di kali. Tapi setiap kali saya menjadi lebih kuat, begitu pula kebahagiaan saya, kasih saya, hubungan saya dengan Tuhan.
During the Spiritual Journeys I learnt the most.  I had a group of people looking at me.  I was their leader and I had to shine for them.  And I did.  I surprised myself at times.  But each time I got stronger, so did my happiness, my love, my connection with God.

Saya tidak tahu apakah saya akan dapat berbicara kepada Anda dengan ekspresi penuh. Sulit untuk menulis dalam kalimat kecil. Mengetahui bahwa Google Translate mungkin atau tidak mungkin menjelaskan kata-kata secara akurat. Saya memiliki jauh lebih banyak untuk mengatakan tetapi kita tidak memiliki bahasa komunikasi yang tersedia. Saya mulai pelajaran Bahasa Indonesia minggu ini. Saya mulai belajar pada hari Senin. Saya berkomitmen untuk tinggal di Bali dan berkomitmen untuk belajar lebih banyak tentang Hindu. Saya sekarang memiliki murid sebagai Master untuk belajar, belajar, belajar bahasa Indonesia. Saya tahu bahwa saya tahu segala sesuatu yang saya perlu tahu tentang menjadi seorang Guru di dalam tubuh saya. Semua jawaban ada di sana. Saya memiliki kepercayaan diri untuk "JUST DO IT".
I don’t know if I will ever be able to talk to you with full expression.  It’s hard to write in small sentences.  Knowing that Google Translate may or may not explain the words accurately.  I have so much more to say but we do not have that language communication available.  I started Bahasa Indonesian lessons this week.  I started studying on Monday.  I am committed to living in Bali and committed to learning more about Hindu.  I now have the disciple as a Master to learn, learn, learn Bahasa Indonesia.  I know that I know everything that I need to know about being a Master inside my body.  All the answers are there.  I have the confidence to “JUST DO IT”.

Percakapan saya dengan Tuhan di Nusa Penida, dalam meditasi saya yang mendalam. Saya tumbuh begitu banyak sebagai orang yang lima hari kami pergi. Semua yang saya telah mempelajari tentang manusia dalam sepuluh tahun terakhir. Semua pekerjaan yang saya lakukan pada diri saya sendiri. Semua hal yang Anda dan semua orang telah mengajari saya di Bali. Semua itu jatuh ke tempatnya di dalam tubuh saya di Jawa.

The conversations I had with God in Nusa Penida, in my meditations were profound.  I grew so much as a person in those five days we were away.  Everything I have studied about human beings in the last ten years.  All the work I have done on myself.  All the things you and everyone have taught me here in Bali.  All of that fell into place within my body in Java.

Untuk menjelaskan, saya telah menggunakan maksud apa yang harus dilakukan sebagai seorang Guru. Mengakses energi ketika aku harus, meminta bimbingan, mengingat bagaimana melakukan sesuatu. Dan kemudian itu menjadi otomatis. Rasanya seperti saya telah menerima program baru. Seperti upgrade sistem. Saya tidak harus mencoba lagi, itu semua ada.
To explain, I had been using the intention of what to do as a Master.  Accessing the energy when I needed to, asking for guidance, remembering how to do things.  And then it became automatic.  It felt like I had received a new program.  Like a system upgrade.  I didn’t have to try anymore, it was all there.

Ketika saya kembali ke Bali saya pulang dan beristirahat. Saya menghabiskan banyak waktu dalam meditasi. Memungkinkan semua program dalam mengintegrasikan dalam diriku. Tiga hari terakhir saya telah dibimbing oleh Allah untuk melakukan beberapa upacara, sendiri. Saya telah belajar banyak hal. Saya merasa sangat kuat. Saya merasa sangat mampu. Saya merasa seolah-olah saya dilahirkan untuk menjadi Master dan seterusnya. Saya merasa bahwa saya tidak takut bahwa saya bisa atau tidak bisa melakukan itu. Saya tahu tanpa keraguan bahwa Nicole bisa terbang lebih tinggi dari dia pernah bermimpi.
When I got back to Bali I came home and rested.  I spent many hours in meditation.  Allowing all of the program in integrate inside me.  The last three days I have been guided by God to do some ceremonies, by myself.  I have learnt many things.  I feel very strong.  I feel very capable.  I feel as if I was born to be a Master and beyond.  I feel that I have no fear that I can or cannot do that.  I know without any doubt that Nicole can fly higher than she ever dreamed.

Saya tidak pernah berharap atau ingin menjadi sempurna. Saya tidak percaya ada kesempurnaan. Kami adalah jiwa yang memiliki pengalaman manusia. Dan karena kita adalah manusia sekarang. Kita tertawa, kita menangis, kita jatuh, kita berdiri kembali, kita crash, kita terbang, kita cintai, kita mati.
I never expect or wish to be perfect.  I don’t believe there is perfection.  We are souls having a human experience.  And therefore we are human right now.  We laugh, we cry, we fall over, we stand back up, we crash, we fly, we love, we die.
Saya tahu bahwa saya akan terus memiliki tes dan tantangan selamanya.

I know that I will continue to have tests and challenges forever. 


Mungkin tes terbesar dalam hidup saya. Saya tidak takut. Saya tidak akan menjadi berantakan. Aku akan berdiri tegak dan menjadi Master bahwa saya telah menjadi. Saya tidak tahu apakah Anda akan mati. Saya pikir mungkin Jero tua akan mati dan Jero baru akan lahir dan tidak meninggalkan tubuh manusianya sama sekali. Aku benar-benar tidak tahu. Saya menghormati nasib Anda. Dan saya menghormati kehendak Tuhan. Aku ini hambamu sampai tidak ada kebutuhan untuk itu lagi. Saya akan terus menyebarkan pesan Anda tentang Lilit, Cinta, baik, integritas, kejujuran, kasih sayang dan kemanusiaan selama aku hidup, perlu diketahui bahwa. Warisan Anda dan keyakinan Anda akan hidup selamanya.
Possibly the biggest test of my life.  I am not scared.  I am not going to fall apart.  I will stand tall and be the Master that I have become.  I don’t know if you will die.  I think maybe the old Jero will die and a new Jero will be born and not leave his human body at all.  I really don’t know.  I respect your destiny.  And I respect God’s will.  I will be your servant until there is no need to be that anymore.  I will continue to spread your message about the Lilit, Love, good, integrity, honesty, compassion and humanity for as long as I live, please know that.  Your legacy and your beliefs will live on for eternity.

Aku mencintaimu. Saya mengagumi Anda. Saya menghormati Anda. Saya percaya pada Anda. Saya pikir Anda mampu hal yang sangat besar di bumi. Mungkin Anda dapat melakukan lebih sebagai seorang malaikat, aku tidak tahu. Tidak peduli apa hasilnya. Yang penting adalah SEKARANG. Itu saja yang kita miliki. Sekarang aku berdiri di sisi Anda. Saya akan memegang tanganmu. Saya akan menangkap Anda jika Anda jatuh. Saya akan berjuang demi kehormatan Anda dengan kasih. Aku akan menangis jika Anda pergi. Saya akan kuat bagi semua orang. Saya akan melakukan yang terbaik untuk semua MLB. Saya akan membuat Anda bangga, selalu. Saya seorang Guru dan untuk itu saya berterima kasih secara eksternal. Saya sangat serius tentang menjadi seorang Guru. Saya mengerti betapa pentingnya. Mengapa hal ini terjadi akan menjadi jelas segera.
I love you.  I admire you. I respect you.  I believe in you.  I think you are capable of very big things here on earth.  Maybe you can do more as an Angel, I don’t know.  It doesn’t matter what the outcome is.  What matters is NOW.  That is all we have.  Now I stand by your side.  I will hold your hand.  I will catch you if you fall.  I will fight for your honor with love.  I will cry if you go.  I will be strong for everyone.  I will do the best for all of MLB.  I will make you proud, always.  I am a Master and for that I am externally grateful.  I’m very serious about being a Master.  I understand how important it is.  Why this is happening will become evident soon enough. 

Sampai saat itu.
Until then. 

I love you. I love you.  I love you.

Terima Kasih Tuhan.

So I know that's a hell of a read, a lot to read but I feel compelled to share it.  A zillion other things happened in those 2 days and the days after but that will do for now.

You see going through all of that was possibly the biggest thing ever, really believing the potentiality of the vision and then processing it with everything within me and
and coming out the other side was the most exceptional growth I have noted in myself to date.

As you can imagine Jero went through his own stuff, it was his death after all, as a consequence I have never seen him more at peace, more joyful and more in pure gratitude

Life is indeed a Blessing.

I know that many of us have had feelings of parts of us dying, deep pain and massive shifting during this time.  To fully face spiritual death in its totality, which in this vision was so far from the realm of conceptualization and so real requires some huge surrendering.  Dissolving the ego that wants to hold on to those old parts.  Sifting through our bullshit stories and truly allowing that to happen from a place of Pure Love makes the death instense yet has a sense of grace through the process.

Much Love,

Nik.  xo

1 comment:

  1. Dont know how we came together, interesting, thank you for sharing